BIG PINE KEY, Florida (18 July 2007) -- Okay, just when you thought low-brow Florida tourism promoters had finally finished strip-mining the intellectual shallows of inane news blips about underwater weddings, scuba diving Santas and underwater pumpkin carving contests, the AP newswire started bubbling with more REALLY STUPID SCUBA NEWS FILLER FROM FLORIDA. This week's installment of "How guys with frontal lobotomies rebranded Florida as the mother of America's cultural decline" features some Disney World "Goofy" wannabes all dressed up like aging and/or dead celebrity rockers wearing scuba diving masks and pretending to play musical instruments underwater. "Dumb" doesn't quite encompass the full impact of this local entertainment vacuum. I swear I'm not making this up. Florida's annual "Underwater Musical Festival" attracts more than 500 Floridians (with a combined IQ roughly equivalent to one and a half sea slugs) who have found something even more frivolous to perk up their reduced fat lifestyles than American Idol reruns (go!), pro baseball (going!) and Shark Week (gone!). Now don't be naughty and ask how those diving dullards manage to sing or lip-sync with scuba diving regulators in their mouths. Or why the fat ugly guy pretending to be Elton John is wearing a $25 Wal-Mart suit. Or that the two jerks pretending to be Sonny and Cher are now on trial at the Monroe County Courthouse for eating Jimmy Buffet's parrot. Of course, Jimmy left Florida and Sonny left the planet in 1998 after skiing into a tree at the Heavenly Ski Resort (no, I am still not making any of this up)--but his beat goes on thanks to the Underwater Music Festival. La de da de deeee. Not to be dismissed as another excuse for Z-list, bottom-of-the-food-chain clowns celebrating American pop culture fodder, the event actually promotes a "serious" message that goes far beyond "we don't have anything better to do, you don't have anything better to do: Lets just hang around underwater for five hours and watch "Sammy" and "Elton" and "Sonny" and "Cher" stand on the ocean bottom in wet clothes breathing compressed air." | | Stupid Florida scuba news filler hot off the AP wire. Now we know why Americans elected George Bush not once, BUT TWICE. That's right. Florida's Underwater Music Festival aims to showcase the new stars of the Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary that have replaced the coral reefs and marine animals killed off over the past 30 years by the combined impact of overpopulation, pollution and political mismanagement. "You want whale sharks and dolphins, go to Disney World," said a Florida tourism promoter who supplements his income by selling $499 magnets that he claims will clean your tap water. "Our message is 'Dive Florida' because we've replaced more than 95 percent of our old declining coral reefs with new, modern, value-added underwater product including your underwater Jesus statues, your underwater weddings, your underwater pumpkin carving events, your underwater tire dumps, your scuba diving Santas, your dive guides wearing Superman and Elvis costumes, your barracuda kissing hall of famers, your interactive shark feeding and of course your underwater music festivals." La de da de daaaa. © CDNN - CYBER DIVER NEWS NETWORKSCUBA FORUMDISCUSS THIS TOPIC - Dive in and have your say at Scuba Forum |
